Young Love: An Introduction

"I'm not from around here." 

Welcome to a new "series" about what I'm doing in my new city. Minneapolis. It's so hot right now.

An outsider’s perspective carries with it something magical. Although I grew up just next-door in South Dakota, my town comprised a mere 1,000 people. So, for me, Minneapolis is the cool older sister who majored in art and volunteered in the Philippines for a year. I met her years ago as a child as I went to my first Vikings game with my dad; however, it was in college that my love affair truly began. Slinking away any weekend we could, friends and I would leave our steady girl (South Dakota) back home and venture up for live music, mild debauchery, and an escape into something more.

After years of Minneapolis dreaming, I finally live here. This city and I are definitely in our sugary sweet honeymoon period, but I do not foresee the wistful haze lifting for a very long time—maybe ever. More than a fling, Minneapolis is my new main squeeze.

This series is full of first times. Wide-eyed wonderment and gasps of freshness are bound to ensue. Here’s to hoping I can help you find beauty in things to which you’ve grown accustomed. Join me and fall in love with your city all over again.

"It’s a curious time in my life. You should stick around"

I’ve just moved to this magical metropolis and first times encapsulate my days. New experiences run amuck, filling my heart with happy and my eyes with wonder. I’ve locked lips on the hill at Gold Medal Park, played Ping-Pong on Nicollet, ventured into Sex World, taken a selfie with the “cherry spoon,” and dabbled in many more quintessential Twin Cities activities. Every day, I fall harder for this city. Perhaps you’ve lived here your whole life and you’ve grown bored with the sights or, on the contrary, perhaps you’re new here as well. Either way, come with me: tour the Twin Cities with fresh eyes and an unhinged perspective. An outsider’s view can offer the clearest, smudge-free lens to peer through, and that’s what I have to share—a blissfully refreshing gaze.

ALSO, WATCH THIS, HOMEY. It's the video that goes alongside all o' this. 

The Deplorable Now.

I uhhhh, had a realization today. I wish I was British so I could say 'realisation,' alas, I am not. OH, no sorry. That wasn't the realization. Man, I bet you were like, "girl, you so laaaaame." Anywho, what I really realized was that when I do not have something to look forward to--something big that I'm planning (most frequently a trip of some sort)--I go absolutely mad with a deplorable emptiness. I get that all-too-familiar feeling of pointlessness and hopelessness and what-the-hell-am-I-doing-ness. There gets to be a little bug flitting around in my mind, bouncing off the squishy walls, whispering to my conscience, "you're a sheep and your work is pointless. You're stationary and melting into the depths of routine. Run... run... before you're 69 and it's too late..."

So, I guess that was fun. However, in this hole, I was able to realize that this only happened because I am not currently planning a great adventure or effectively expressing myself creatively. I took a deep, silly breath and started to contemplate where grown up Karate would go from here. I ended with the reasoning of a promise.

The 24-Year-Old Promise: I vow to constantly keep a carrot dangling in front of my eyes forever mmmmmkay. 

As grand memories of Spain and Arizona and San Francisco float into the nostalgic past, I avert my gaze into the cyclic future. Here, I can build hope and keep my mind occupied with possibility. So, what will be my next "big trip," my next life-altering endeavor, my next rule-breaking escapade? I think it's going to be something monumental. The next 6 months or so might consist of some massive changes in my life to accommodate. Who knows. I'm a careless and capricious soul, so this could turn into a dream and nothing more.... But perhaps it won't. Stay tuned if you're like, interested.

In the meantime, I have two things that helped me get through the day to share:

The first comes from Cara Delevingne's Instagram account. That girl is $$. "You are born and then you die, but in between you can do anything you want. It's society that creates rules for us, but you can break out of that."

And the second comes from my always inspirational and magical friend who said adios to America for the land of Spain. "Always go with your passions. Never ask yourself if it's realistic or not."

So that was today. I'll talk about San Francisco soon. It was magic. And hey, so are you.

Having a hard time in America.

What is my contribution to society? Where can my influence or impact be traced? I have lived a short and uninteresting line with few branches or major deviations. Although new growth isn't necessarily impossible or frowned upon within the confines of my day to day, it is nevertheless being stifled with the pressing matters of practicality and money and comfortability.

Don't worry, guys. I'm sure this existential freakout will pass in due time. I'll be smiling behind my desk, showering spoonfuls of bullshit into my morning coffee, slathering on the façade of happy as my routine encompasses any real morsel of life left in me.

Oh boy. Well, I made a playlist to suit this self-deprecating pit I've dug for myself. It is aptly titled, "Wallowing." Have fun with it, kids. It's a real club banger.

I need drastic change. And I want to be strong enough to do it. Okay bye. 

Weird Monday Yo

IT BE MONDAY AND ONLY TYLER, THE CREATOR CAN HELP.
So that's what I'm doing. Listening to my bb, Tyler. The party isn't over; we can still dance.

Today is weird as shit okay. My brain is all 'where's the party? Oh wait, I hate everything.' My eyes are all 'oh, you want me to stay open and shit? Hmm.' My mouth is dead and like, 'Don't make me speak out loud, insolent adults.' I'm gonna rock this hood look all day. Translation: my winter jacket and hooded portion of such is going to remain in the 'on' position all day. My fluffy hair will be kempt within its boundaries, its shelter, if you will. And I know you will. Cuz you my boo, boo.

God, go home. You're clearly super drunk on ridiculousness. Or just drink another cup of coffee. That might be sexy. Also, well done on finishing season one of Friday Night Lights. In three days of viewing. You're not über impressive at a whole lot of things, but damn girl. You can binge watch television like a professional. Remember Chingy. He was a rapper. Dope.

I was get-get-gettin some Head

Well. If that doesn't get you interested from the get-go, then I don't know what will. WHAT IS UP, CAT? Did you have a sexy weekend? Prove it.

I'm going to talk about DETH by Later Babes. These bitches. They, and the album, are very cool. And that is a compliment I don't just like toss in people's faces or breastplates. I don't know. I'm just saying you should value my praise. Respect me. Dance up on me. Also, treat yo'self. Oh, that is definitely how to spell that. Anyway, you can download this shit FOR FREE if you know what I mean.

And look how GD adorable these mother fuckers are (below). Here's the link: http://laterbabes.bandcamp.com/. Whatever you're doing is stupid. Go download it now. KTHNX. Also, just so you know what you're in for... Expect a party of epic dance-overload proportions mixing all eras, genres, and varying amounts of pure sex. I know, amazing. BYE.

http://yadamnright.bigcartel.com/

WARNING: UNCONTROLLABLE AND ERRATIC DANCING WILL ENSUE UPON FIRST AND ALL SUBSEQUENT LISTENS. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO LOSE FRIENDS, LISTEN TO THIS ALBUM IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR HOUSING UNIT ALONE. YOUR CAT CAN STAY. IN FACT, FOR OPTIMAL LISTEN, INCORPORATE EL GATO. IF YOU SIMPLY "DO NOT GIVE A FUCK," DO YOU, BOO. I RECOMMEND THE LATTER. WINKY FACE.

What kind of bird are you?

WHATUP. I recently took a trip. A monumental trip that allowed me to see all kinds of birds lurking about and living it up. Fancy birds, dancy birds, frankly who needs pants-y birds... Okay go home shitty Dr. Suess. Anyway, I came to the realization that different types o' birds be everywhere. Let's go animal... Bird edition.

1. Cool with Contentment bird. The simplicity of a full tree above you, a nest full of innocent chirps, and a blue sky to soar into is more than enough. You find comfort in the happiness of minimalism; a great deal is worth singing about.

2. Driven and Daring bird. You chirp quickly and with great passion. Your days are filled with the tasks of a great bird... You might be a great bird. No seed is too small and no tree is too tall. You dare to ask why--your feathers shiver with the anticipation of possibility.

3. Stuck in Cement bird. Your talons sink deeper into the concrete that is your home soil. Why would you try somewhere new when where you're currently planted has the benefits of convenience and ease? You sink deeper. See you next year... You'll be in the same exact spot.

4. Unsure and Fearful of the Unknown bird. You etch the names of dream destinations in the bark of your home tree. Germany, you write, Scotland, France... A tear forms and falls off your water repellent upper cheek feather. Back to gathering sticks and hair to add to the nest.

5. Up for Anything and Optimistic bird. You're the type of feather-bearer that goes with the flow. The West is calling your name. You fly the coop and puddle jump until you're partying with some chill Venice Beach pelicans. Those birds have all the sweet hookups.

6. All of the fucking birds... all at once. In a single day, you're comfortable, terrified, optimistic, impassioned, overcommitted, unfulfilled, stuck, unsure, and 47 other things. Your complexity is exhausting--even to your own self. Perhaps your depth and uncertainty is merely an indication of the boundless future that lies before you? That's what you're telling yourself anyway.


Oh shit, you're a human? Well, my bad. Please disregard the notes and classifications above. See future blogs for human stuff.

New year, new resolve...If you're into that sort of thing.

I've never had a New Year's Resolution. I don't know why really. It seems like a fine practice... setting goals and trying to reach them. That's a healthy human thing, I think. I'm not obstinately against them for any fundamental reason; I guess 23 years just hasn't been enough time to adequately ponder a set of goals I resolve to achieve with the refreshing of the yearly calendar.

I do find the premise of it very romantic and enticing. The fresh breath and novelty of "starting over" is a dream for all, right? That's why mornings feel so good--the promise of a new day can be intoxicating. And those happen 365 times a year! Unless you sleep through a whole day or you're traveling through all the time zones (I'm not sure how that works actually), or super hungover and then you're like I HATE TODAY. Anyway, for the most part, even the smallest renewal can bring out positivity previously buried under annoyance or regret, dance moves formerly trapped between clinched buttcheeks (hehe), and a certain undeniable morsel of possibility that offers the potential of anything.

And that's just on the daily level. January 1 happens once. The biggest and most inspiring restart button of the year. That's why we all get shitfaced about it--because the anticipation of starting afresh is best enjoyed alongside fireworks, cocktails, sequins clothing, and a few final questionable choices before you can really ring in the new year. We would all die of anticipatory "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE because new year bahhhh" without alcohol and hey, whatever else you're into, man. Just be safe; nobody can party with you if you're dead. Oops, got dark again.

Anyway, on New Years, as people turn up and pop off, (sorry about those; symptoms of 2013) you hear people saying things like, "I could totally be a senator; why not!" and "I'm going to be so healthy. Like BANANAS fit. Like I'll lose friends about it." or maybe something like, "It's not about changing my appearance this year, I want to grow emotionally. I'm going to learn something new, like origami maybe. Or how to control my drinking problem."


So... should I like, resolve to do something in 2014? Maybe. I mean, I'm here now; I could just keep writing and see what happens? Yeah, okay, cool.

1. Read. TV is cool, I get it. But also, you should read more. You're a "writer," so obviously this is obvious. You have all these books... Untouched. Start with those. 

2. Travel with an open mind. Different cultures and ideals make for a more understanding and whole human. You should be that. And uhh, go to as many places as you can. You're 23. Someday soon, you're going to wake up and be 60--I don't want you to wake up sad and decrepit from lack of experience. 

3. Quit living a life within your apartment. If Spain* taught you anything, it afforded you the perspective of a new idea of human experience. Their lives exist outside their homes--something that a South Dakota homebody (formerly, I assure you) was like WHAT about. But it is easy to see the loveliness of such a life. You, too, should fill your days with meeting people, seeing your city, and less constant introspection. A solitary life breeds insanity and you're learning that's not always the answer. A mixture of introspective thought and outside interaction is key. Do I sound like a robot? Hmm. 

Did I do that right? Whatever. BYE I LOVE YOU AND COOKIES.

-Karate

*Proof of Spain, okay. 

DECEMBURRR (not clever, I know)

Hullllloh. Nice to see you here. Where is here? What is now? Every moment slipping like a grain of sand through my waxy hands. EXISTENTIAL.

Sorry about that. I don't know why you bother coming here. Anyway, I'm damn glad to have ya. Let's talk about December. I really like winter. My skin is all cracky and dry and cute. My socks are thick and so is my midsection from a successful Thanksgiving. My cat is fluffy and I am ardently refusing to turn on the heat in my brisk apartment.

WELCOME TO DECEMBER, BITCHES.

Here are some things and stuff to think about. Read on if you feel like you're inadequate. HAHA jk jk you're cool probably.

1. I'll be going to SPAIN. That's neat. Uhh yeah it is.

2. It's CYBER MONDAY. Great. It IS great, idiot! The perfect time to buy gifts for "friends" of course.

3. I will never ask anyone again if they believe in God. And when I'm asked, I hope to answer with, I don't think it matters. Religion is horse shit and I am trying to disregard what individual people believe in terms of what it "says about them as a person." It's easy to write someone off once you hear they're a Catholic or Jewish or Agnostic or whatever and assign stereotypes to them. I'm trying to operate on the idea that whether or not you believe in God is just how you choose to interpret the world and humans in it... And whatever comforts you is fine. Just don't push your beliefs on other humans, you know?

4. Salamander is a great word.

5. My favorite kind of cookie used to be white chocolate macadamia nut. I don't know what it is anymore. Should I be worried?

6. That's it BYE. Brief because I love you okay.

An Introduction to AWESOME

HEY there silly kid! It's like Tuesday (what how why where am I), and I've got a coooool new video for you. My friend Linda filmed some very cool Minneapolis things for me not too long ago and I am finally getting around to editing them into a new youtube series called Mo' Gluten, Mo' Problems. It's awesome. I would know because I'm in it, I'm editing it, and playa, cuz' it just IZ. I'm going to stop this silly vernacular now.

Here's the video. It is merely an introductory puzzle piece in the grand scene of awesome gluten free dining and fun city happenings. Cuz I'm hip as shit. Hehe I'm not like a regular mom; I'm a cool mom!

ONCE AGAIN sidetracked. Anyway, here you go. Enjoy the shit out of this. And check back for more. Subscribe to my youtube channel. Watch ScrunchieTime too. Just continue to grow as a person. I don't know. Take a nap maybe also.

Gracias, my fellow karate kid. 

Thursday Party: Questionnaire 4 Thugs

Hello. Apparently this is becoming a "Thursday" thing. That's pretty cool. I like Thursdays. I like Tuesdays and Saturdays, too. Fridays are too mainstream.

Anyway, I decided that I wanted to make a questionnaire for myself to answer. Maybe I should find one on the INTERNET. That might be easier. Bahhh I'm already here, I'll just come up with mein own questions. I want questions that are sort of "in the moment" type questions where it's like OMG that was my favorite movie 6 months ago...when I read this six months from now. Shit like that. You get it, OKAY.


1. Favorite movie. The Shining. Or A Clockwork Orange. Fucking Stanley Kubrick. Good heavens to hell, he is a GD genius. I watched The Shining a couple weeks ago and although I'd seen it before, it really hit me hard this time around. The imagery, the camera angles, Jack Nicholson, and that distinctively "Kubrick" feel just tore my brain in two and then rebuilt it into a magical, blood-flood of possibility and promise.

And can we talk about A Clockwork Orange as well? OOFTA. My dear friend Linda and I saw a midnight showing of it in Uptown Minneapolis at the most beautiful theatre. (I spell theater that way when I want to be pretentious.) It's a decently long film, and it was very late; however, I was so drawn into the film that nothing could break my focus with the violent, sex-crazed, sardonic, and edgy film unfolding before my eyes. Needless to say, the Anthony Burgess novel is in my amazon cart and waiting to be purchased.

2. Favorite music stuffs. I can't make this question too specific, because my favorite song/artist of the moment changes, as you might guess, from one moment to the next. I really like M.I.A.'s song Karmageddon from her latest album. Iggy Azalea is obviously amazing. And I made a seriously lovely playlist on the spotify. It's called "It's that thing where a tiny milk man breaks into a cat infested lodge" in homage to Stephon on Weekend Update. I know that the stuff you make is always inherently better to your own self than to others (not unlike childbearing), but this playlist seems like a universal love-thing.

3. Favorite phrase. I cannot stop saying "Whateva Banana." I don't know what it means, but I love it. I'm going to make t-shirts and coffee mugs, don't you fret. It is my "fetch."

4. Favorite clothery. Scarves. Beanies. Boots. Winter is here and I am pumped like a pimp. A warm, cozy, adorable pimp.

5. Favorite hobby. Video editing is fun. I would have never ever thought that would be my thing, but I can't get enough of it. I took the wrong sorts of classes in cooollege. Whateva banana, ya know? And reading. I'm reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas because I'm in search of the American Dream. Lulllz jkjk. But seriously, I aspire to be Hunter S. Thompson.

6. Favorite mind-grow. Ooh, that's a fun way to talk about learning/knowledge building things...mind-grow. It's like I'm in 1984, eh? Anywho, I love the YOUTUBE. Sex+ is incredible. Vlogbrothers, obviously. Pixiwoo still. Sonia's Travels cuz SPAIN in 40 days! And then, anything I can watch about video, sound, editing, camerawork, and things of that persuasion is dollar signs amazing.

I have quickly learned that having a static existence is literally the most terrifying thing I can imagine. If I had a job where I did the same things every day and all I could do was sit idle as I wasted away in an office doing menial tasks, sinking deeply into a cushioned chair until my ass became one with the polyester, working with a tired mind, muddled with monotony... death by routine. That's a thing.

As long as I keep growing, keep expanding, keep learning, I'll be okay.

Thursday, bitches.

It's Thursday here on WEIRD KARATE, and you know what that means! Karate Kid is not as cool, sassy, or as wearable as Grace Helbig. And for that, I offer NO apology. Lol for days. I am extremely apologetic; however, I do ask that you stick around for this groundbreaking post. Let's jump right in! Knees first! What? I don't know.

Me and my friend, Lola.

1. I am constantly craving bloody mary's. I think it's just the sodium and full bodied awesomeness? I don't question it. Sometimes, you just have to trust your body and its needs, mom.

2. My cat is getting a winter coat. So, he looks plump and extra fluffy. And I like both of those things about him.

3. My favorite color for early winter is that raspberry-maroon color that everyone and their grandma is carrying. I AM MERELY A PUPPET OF TRENDS.

4. I like putting cool shit on my face... Makeup-wise. Watch some pixiwoo videos on the youtube. You'll be like BRITISH. And then you'll be like OKAY GIRL, YOU DO SOME GOOD MAKEUP.

5. I do weird things for my job. If you would have told me 5, shit even 1 year ago, that part of my job would consist of filming and editing videos, I would have shot you in the face with my witchcraft abilities. Oops, someone has been watching American Horror Story.

Alright, I think that's good for the day. THANKS for your time and things. Go watch some of my horse videos if you want. I'd prefer you watch Scrunchie Time, but girl, I get it. You get yo bloody mary where you need it. I'm going to stop writing. Goodbye and good riddance.

SCRUNCHIE TIME: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbrcrkLeIzORHhnzFEgip_w

KARA WHATEVUH: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRteBwCekV0AJQKqcKmSvxA

-KARATE BITCH

Revelations on a Monday

This morning, my ex-roommate sent me a quote. She's in Spain. I am stuck here. I hate that I use the word "stuck." That's everyone's excuse, isn't it? 

"Oh, I've got too much baggage to move. No, not literally." 

"I'm not talented enough to start over. Plus, that's a lot of work." 

"I can't just leave--all the plants will die!"

Well, I don't want it to be MY excuse anymore. I'm 23. Not 83. Not 13. Really any age besides 23.... Anyway, what ties my shoes together? What grounds my person and buries my dreams? Stability? No, that's not it. Commitment? No, not that either. Fear? Meh. Initiative? There it is. Trying something new and big takes courage. It takes strength and confidence and the right amount of crazy to go for it, but what is the alternative?

It appears that I have completely strayed from the original reason for this post--THE QUOTE. So, here it is. Far more eloquently stated and inspiring, here is Jon Krakauer's take on going for it.

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.” ― Jon Krakauer

Gluten Free 4 Life

DISCLAIMER: Okay okay okay, new stuff coming. First, this blog was music. Then it was music + life. And NOW, it is going to be music + life + food + travel. Girl, I could not be more excited about it. 

I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease just over three years ago, something that I had absolutely no idea existed before that moment, and since then, my relationship with food has changed unbelievably. From that point, I didn't eat at a restaurant for at least 8 months for fear of feeling the way I did prior to diet change and being unsure just how sensitive I was to even an accidental morsel of evil gluten slipping into my healing system. But as I gained awareness and knowledge of where gluten hung out in food and drinks, I found myself trying a new restaurant once in a while, googling their options online, and ultimately, being disappointed in the staff's complete lack of understanding in my "gluten thing." **Plain lettuce with lemon wedges, please.**

So, over these past three years, I've seen restaurant menus go from handwritten lists to laminated word documents to, oh wow, "it looks like a normal menu!" I'm getting "glutened" fewer and fewer times as I venture out into the glutenous world and into the treacherous realm of restaurant dining. But as I have more positive experiences, although a few really horrible ones are still sprinkled in there as well, I gain trust and confidence in my future as a human being who can enjoy a meal out with friends just as much as a person without Celiac Disease or a gluten intolerance.

But before I share some great g-free dining experiences in cities like Minneapolis (gluten free hub) and elsewhere, I want to share a few problematic things that have happened me more than once while attempting to have an enjoyable experience out on the town like a normal.

TOP REASONS TO SIGH ABOUT DINING OUT

1. "Hi, do you have a gluten free menu?"

"Okay, so, we don't have a menu per say, but mostly all of our items can be made gluten free."

2. "I'm allergic to wheat, so no croutons or bread with my salad, okay?"

***Salad arrives with a croutons partying all over it.***

3. "Do you guys have a gluten free menu?"

"I'm sorry, what do you want for free?"

4. The wallpaper at Panera Bread literally has, "gluten" strewn about with other comforting words like "bread" and "fresh."

5. "Do you have a gluten free menu?"

"It's actually included in the menu on the second page towards the bottom." 

(points to section with two items.)

6. When a menu tricks you into thinking they have tons of options. 

"Look, you can have all of the burgers!" 

"Yeah, the asterisk says without bun, sweet potato fries, seasoning, or spicy chipotle sauce. So, basically it's a shitty hamburger patty."

A 23-year-old Promise

Before we go any further down this theoretical journey of "life," I want a promise. I want it in writing. So, that's what I'm doing. A formal promise from my naïve, immature, idiotic, ill-informed, dance deprived 23-year-old self. READY YOURSELF, boo.

A Bold Introduction:
Hello. This is Karate Larson. It's 2013 and I'm really shaping into "something." (As you can tell, sarcasm is still a big part of how I communicate) Anyway, I was reading or watching something the other day and I thought to myself, HEY, I don't want to be that person who lives a life confined to a box of routine and comfort. I don't want to (prepare for cliché) live a life I'm not proud to say is my own. I know the 50-year-old sad sack of myself will just never forgive this 23-year-old chump if I don't live up my youth and general recklessness. So, future Kara, this is my formal promise to build, create, and grow. We can get into more details of this "life" I'm planning, but for now, I just want to introduce the idea.


Hello, Idiot.
Look at you, reading into the second paragraph. I'm glad you're still interested because THIS IS YOUR LIFE. I am going to separate the upcoming promises in a very mediocre way (organization has never been my "thing"). Try not to let that trip you up, dear and dramatic self, keep reading and considering every one of these. You have no choice. Because what's the alternative? Being the lame kid at the party who still sucks at the teet of his trusted routine? I know I'm a girl, but a boy just seemed to fit the bill for that analogy. Oh mama, I've gone too far to turn back now. Let's just jump in before I lose you entirely.


1. Can she build it? Yes, Karate can! These silly and completely original words open up my first point in this masterpiece/complete mess. Want to know cool I am? I watched the Ashton Kutcher Teen Choice Awards speech on the way to work the other morning because I needed to hear some damn positivity from a beautiful man. And I don't care what Demi says, I love him and everything he has to say in that 4 minute motivational utterance. So combining sweet Ashton's (well, actually Chris's) advice on "building a life," which he got from something Steve Jobs said (nothing like trickling down the line to make a point), I now think of everything in terms of not just living a life as another insignificant empty head, but building a life for others to share with and grow into, and creating something in which I am truly proud. So, that's number one--to quit sulking in my current static and start thinking bigger, broader, and more creatively. BUILD something, karate.

2. Move. Get out, man. When is the last time you were truly scared and completely putting yourself in a situation where you were like, "geez Louise. What the hell am I doing. I'm a crazy kitty!" I'm fairly positive that I've known you for a good portion of my life (we are the same person, you damn fool). Anyway, where do you want to go? California, New York, Arkansas? Please don't go to Arkansas. It might be cool if you had a job lined up in this new place, but hey, if you don't, that's cool too. You do you, boo.

3. Make an intensely creative job application. If you want to get noticed, do something great. Seems simple, yes? What's holding you back? Oh, nothing? Wow, okay cool DO IT THEN.

4. Write. Write. Write. Right? Remember how athletes practice to get better? Fill in the blank.

5. Content and Comfortable are sworn enemies. Like the Lannisters. Shit, I do love Tyrion though. And man, even Jaime is growing on me. Oops, I've slipped into the Game of Thrones haven't I? Well, let's move on hmm. Okay, back to the bold stuff. Just because these things give you a temporary feeling of "having your shit together," let me assure you, it's a façade. These won't make you happy. You need turbulence and complexity and weird to keep growing and evolving as a person.

6. Expand your damn mind. Read the novels you own before you buy any more, watch your favorite television programs for a daily fix of passivity, read online articles about the health benefits of cucumbers, the woes of dating, or religion in Russia, watch YouTube videos--I'm only asking that you soak in what technology affords you to enjoy. With so much content in the world, it would be an absolute shame to not do your best to absorb it ALL.

7. Do you. Girl, take what others' art gives you and CREATE what feels good, frees your stresses, and centers your person. Uh oh, someone is getting a little too yoga-granola-mother earth on this one.

8. Travel. You're 23. Do I need to argue this any further? Go visit your old roommate in Spain. Get lost in Paris. See the roses in Portland. A sedentary life is one not meant for you.

9. Find a place you love and work for them. Remember when you made that hilarious/innovative/inspiring job application? Well, here's the time to send it to this organization or company or publishing house or creative hub or whatever it may be. It's about time you find a place that fulfills your desire for a mutualistic work environment.

10. Don't be afraid. That was easy to write. Much harder to do in the real life party time zone. The only thing truly standing between my 23-year-old self and every single one of these promises is fear. A four letter word never broke so many hearts. But honestly, what do I really fear? Failure? I don't think so. Rejection? Not that I'm aware. I think I fear the idea more than anything, so hey, that's stupid.


In Hopeful Conclusion
GIRL, look how far you made it! Literacy! Do the ten things above. You just have to. 50-year-old Karate (old and saggy, but still throwing theme parties) will never forgive you if you don't. I'm counting on you and so is this life you still have the chance to build. As my favorite movie character of all time (William Miller, Almost Famous) once questioned, "when and where does this real world occur?" I often inquire the same. But really, it's always been here. And even though I like to view things through my rose-tinted glasses, evading reality, and dancing in the dreamland of the harmless and delicious cookies, it is one that I have to face. So, here we are--23, dramatic, complicated, and confused--you're going to be okay.

GIRL, be cool. Cuz you cool.

"I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries." --Kreayshawn

I feel. Okay. For the first time in a while. I feel like I finally have some clarity and some idea of the damn direction I'm heading. IT IS CRAZY. Nothing has changed in the past few days besides my attitude and general outlook. So, who's the boner champ now?! Ha that's not funny. ANYWAY, stay positive, you sweet little cookie. Here are some tips for turning your day around. 

POSITIVITY, BITCHES

1. Listen to a solid comedy album or hilarious podcast. I has suggestions for both whaaa, so be prepared to get yo laugh on. [[Comedy: Demetri Martin, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, Nick Swardson, Donald Glover, Jim Gaffigan, Aziz Ansari.... Podcast: "If I Were You" with Jake and Amir," "Comedy Bang Bang" with Scott Aukerman]]

2. Get some caffeine in your system. Coffee or tea, please. Soda no bueno. Unless you don't drink it super often and it's like a mega big treat for you, then THIS ONE TIME, you can has a soda. But anyway, there's nothing that helps your attitude like a little caffeine buzzzz, so get that drink in ya system pronto!

3. Talk to a pal. Facetime, skype, call, snapchat video. Contact some friends and catch up. Cuz human friends are fun to catch up with when you've had a long day and need to vent or maybe you need to talk through a problem, or hey, maybe you just miss 'em like a mofo! Whatever the case, it will make you smile! On your face! 

4. Make a list. I don't care if you don't have a damn thing to do. Call human friend #1. CHECK. Pet cat. CHECK. Rearrange couch pillows. CHECK. Organize cabinet disaster. CHECK. Alphabetize hummus flavors. CHECK. I mean, there's always something that you can cross off. Believe me, I would know. And girrrrl, turn on some music real loud-like and dance while list-dominating.

5. Do some exercise. I know I know I know. I hate it too. No one with a normal brain is like OMG can't wait to fucking hate myself for being so out of shape! But seriously. It's nice sometimes. When I'm like über stressed/confused/angry, a nice outdoor exercisism session is so $$$. I can't do the straight up distant running thing cuz my mind goes all, "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" with every step, but I do like to do sprints/lunges/push-ups/yoga/weird shit to keep da body guessing. Plus, do I even need to mention the playlist possibilities. YEAH, didn't think so. (That's obviously the best part.)

And that's my advice for staying positive in the midst of mad confusion and crazy dayz... Cuz boo, we've all had them. Staying strong and kicking ass isn't an easy task, but if you find some ways to get you back up when you down, hunny, you'll have this life shit straight FIGURED OUT. Okay. Thanks. Love and cookies. Don't trust the squirrel with a fu manchu. 

2013: The Year of Macaulay Culkin

I'm just going to say it. I love drag queens. My friends--who are so lucky to hear all about my obsession as I spew at the mouth (an expression I've grown quite fond of)--couldn't pretend to be more supportive. It all started when I watched Party Monster a few months ago. Can we talk about this movie? It's incredible. The costumes, acting, general outrageousness, and storyline--it's all magical. Before I could process the awesome, I was balls deep in Michael Alig's life, pining for "Disco Bloodbath," which, of course, is the novel upon which the movie is based. Acting-wise, besides Macaulay, we have a fabulous Seth Green, a perfect Chloë Sevingy, a one-eyed Dylan McDermott, MARILYN MANSON as the weirdest character in the history of film, and more. Have you seen this damn movie? It's on Netflix, so you have literally no excuse.

Agggh, this trailer makes me all giddy in a glittery, dreamy way. I want to be a club kid. One of my favorite things about film in general is its ability to romanticize even the darkest of situations. A sort of black humor, documentary-style story of a lifestyle, Party Monster does this fantastically. It's so well done that overdosing, young heartbreak, and murder simply become consequences of an extraordinary life--one that combats the routine humdrum of the drearies and normals. Which is obviously appealing for a cat like myself. Bottom line, I think you'd like it.

Back to the present, I'm not watching this movie right meow. I'm watching Richie Rich. From sweater vests, Macaulay's trademark side part, and the emblematic "Mount Richmore," this movie's got it all. And it's just a lovely thing to see how far my sweet blondie changed in the years in between the two films. What a shame about his shitty parents, huh?

Macaulay, you own my dreams, you feed my nightmares--love you, boo. Thanks for the escape into the awesome with your mad acting skillz. Also, if you like poetry, there's some shit below for you. I wrote it in response to, *you won't believe it,* PARTY MONSTER. So, as Marcel the Shell would say, "read on." Just a fun little tidbit: Marilyn Manson lyrics are strewn about with the poem. So, uhh, cool.

Creature of the Night or “You’re Afraid of Reality”

Darling I’m fabulous

Everything you’re dying to be

I’ll make you a superstar

A dancing princess of fame and money

You’ll be my new boyfriend

And The Beautiful People will move to the sounds

Of ecstasy and blind sex

Synthetic hair and filthy mouths

We are infinite and the road of excess is plush

Crisp collars unravel and asphyxiate between my fingertips

Coma White and fleeting

I’m the creator of the night and everyone loves me

“You’re not Peter Pan.”

Come with me and the night is conquerable

Leather shorts and sequins on strings

Lavish parties with starships and fake blood

Hello love, where are your wings?

Glittered red lips and a cocaine mustache

Let me introduce you to Paulie

He used to be a hat maker

Now he’s a drug dealer to the dream scene

The Nobodies have No Reflection

Lines and mountains and mirrors and tubes

Flood the basement with Disposable Teens

Neon youth and sugar smiles

I took so much I hoped I would die

“Congratulations on your first overdose.”

Don’t feed the drug child

He’ll sell you for suicide and a chance at love

Sweet Dreams (are made of this)

How do you like my UFO?

The cat may be dead but My Monkey lives

We have to do something about this terrible mess

We’ve taken all the drugs

Promise you’ll never leave me

Are You The Rabbit?

Give me your hand and I’ll take you to rehab

We’ll run away and start new and fresh

But Tourniquets always Leave a Scar

“You’ll get better and everything will all get better.”