GIRL, be cool. Cuz you cool.

"I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries." --Kreayshawn

I feel. Okay. For the first time in a while. I feel like I finally have some clarity and some idea of the damn direction I'm heading. IT IS CRAZY. Nothing has changed in the past few days besides my attitude and general outlook. So, who's the boner champ now?! Ha that's not funny. ANYWAY, stay positive, you sweet little cookie. Here are some tips for turning your day around. 

POSITIVITY, BITCHES

1. Listen to a solid comedy album or hilarious podcast. I has suggestions for both whaaa, so be prepared to get yo laugh on. [[Comedy: Demetri Martin, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, Nick Swardson, Donald Glover, Jim Gaffigan, Aziz Ansari.... Podcast: "If I Were You" with Jake and Amir," "Comedy Bang Bang" with Scott Aukerman]]

2. Get some caffeine in your system. Coffee or tea, please. Soda no bueno. Unless you don't drink it super often and it's like a mega big treat for you, then THIS ONE TIME, you can has a soda. But anyway, there's nothing that helps your attitude like a little caffeine buzzzz, so get that drink in ya system pronto!

3. Talk to a pal. Facetime, skype, call, snapchat video. Contact some friends and catch up. Cuz human friends are fun to catch up with when you've had a long day and need to vent or maybe you need to talk through a problem, or hey, maybe you just miss 'em like a mofo! Whatever the case, it will make you smile! On your face! 

4. Make a list. I don't care if you don't have a damn thing to do. Call human friend #1. CHECK. Pet cat. CHECK. Rearrange couch pillows. CHECK. Organize cabinet disaster. CHECK. Alphabetize hummus flavors. CHECK. I mean, there's always something that you can cross off. Believe me, I would know. And girrrrl, turn on some music real loud-like and dance while list-dominating.

5. Do some exercise. I know I know I know. I hate it too. No one with a normal brain is like OMG can't wait to fucking hate myself for being so out of shape! But seriously. It's nice sometimes. When I'm like über stressed/confused/angry, a nice outdoor exercisism session is so $$$. I can't do the straight up distant running thing cuz my mind goes all, "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" with every step, but I do like to do sprints/lunges/push-ups/yoga/weird shit to keep da body guessing. Plus, do I even need to mention the playlist possibilities. YEAH, didn't think so. (That's obviously the best part.)

And that's my advice for staying positive in the midst of mad confusion and crazy dayz... Cuz boo, we've all had them. Staying strong and kicking ass isn't an easy task, but if you find some ways to get you back up when you down, hunny, you'll have this life shit straight FIGURED OUT. Okay. Thanks. Love and cookies. Don't trust the squirrel with a fu manchu. 

2013: The Year of Macaulay Culkin

I'm just going to say it. I love drag queens. My friends--who are so lucky to hear all about my obsession as I spew at the mouth (an expression I've grown quite fond of)--couldn't pretend to be more supportive. It all started when I watched Party Monster a few months ago. Can we talk about this movie? It's incredible. The costumes, acting, general outrageousness, and storyline--it's all magical. Before I could process the awesome, I was balls deep in Michael Alig's life, pining for "Disco Bloodbath," which, of course, is the novel upon which the movie is based. Acting-wise, besides Macaulay, we have a fabulous Seth Green, a perfect Chloë Sevingy, a one-eyed Dylan McDermott, MARILYN MANSON as the weirdest character in the history of film, and more. Have you seen this damn movie? It's on Netflix, so you have literally no excuse.

Agggh, this trailer makes me all giddy in a glittery, dreamy way. I want to be a club kid. One of my favorite things about film in general is its ability to romanticize even the darkest of situations. A sort of black humor, documentary-style story of a lifestyle, Party Monster does this fantastically. It's so well done that overdosing, young heartbreak, and murder simply become consequences of an extraordinary life--one that combats the routine humdrum of the drearies and normals. Which is obviously appealing for a cat like myself. Bottom line, I think you'd like it.

Back to the present, I'm not watching this movie right meow. I'm watching Richie Rich. From sweater vests, Macaulay's trademark side part, and the emblematic "Mount Richmore," this movie's got it all. And it's just a lovely thing to see how far my sweet blondie changed in the years in between the two films. What a shame about his shitty parents, huh?

Macaulay, you own my dreams, you feed my nightmares--love you, boo. Thanks for the escape into the awesome with your mad acting skillz. Also, if you like poetry, there's some shit below for you. I wrote it in response to, *you won't believe it,* PARTY MONSTER. So, as Marcel the Shell would say, "read on." Just a fun little tidbit: Marilyn Manson lyrics are strewn about with the poem. So, uhh, cool.

Creature of the Night or “You’re Afraid of Reality”

Darling I’m fabulous

Everything you’re dying to be

I’ll make you a superstar

A dancing princess of fame and money

You’ll be my new boyfriend

And The Beautiful People will move to the sounds

Of ecstasy and blind sex

Synthetic hair and filthy mouths

We are infinite and the road of excess is plush

Crisp collars unravel and asphyxiate between my fingertips

Coma White and fleeting

I’m the creator of the night and everyone loves me

“You’re not Peter Pan.”

Come with me and the night is conquerable

Leather shorts and sequins on strings

Lavish parties with starships and fake blood

Hello love, where are your wings?

Glittered red lips and a cocaine mustache

Let me introduce you to Paulie

He used to be a hat maker

Now he’s a drug dealer to the dream scene

The Nobodies have No Reflection

Lines and mountains and mirrors and tubes

Flood the basement with Disposable Teens

Neon youth and sugar smiles

I took so much I hoped I would die

“Congratulations on your first overdose.”

Don’t feed the drug child

He’ll sell you for suicide and a chance at love

Sweet Dreams (are made of this)

How do you like my UFO?

The cat may be dead but My Monkey lives

We have to do something about this terrible mess

We’ve taken all the drugs

Promise you’ll never leave me

Are You The Rabbit?

Give me your hand and I’ll take you to rehab

We’ll run away and start new and fresh

But Tourniquets always Leave a Scar

“You’ll get better and everything will all get better.”

"What If It Is" & Queen K.Flay

K.flay is like. WORDZ. I can't even complete that sentence because a single word cannot begin to encapsulate her greatness. She's incredible. So fucking cool and talented and well-read and just an intriguing individual... Oh and she's got some killer dunkz on her feets. Plus, she's a lady rapper. In essence, she is everything I want to be. So.

BELOW=Album cover. Song. "Rawks" in Perez Hilton's studio. 

ANYWAYZ, she just released a new EP titled "What If It Is" and I'm in love. Obviously. There's this cool interview she did that you should watch. And now you go to Spotify to listen to that shit. The beats are complex and interesting while the content, as always, is provocative and edgy. Slightly angsty and cool as hell, K.flay just keeps winning with her music. Catch her on tour with Icona Pop and Sirah this summer/fall (it started yesterday). WHAT, how cool is that, I know right it's great, no shit, killer, see you at jazzercise.

Alrighty, go listen. I love you. Man, I've been wanting to say that for a really long time now. Like 7 minutes probably. OH HEY, before you go home to your poodle mix... If you haven't listened to West Ghost, do that too. It's not on Spotify, which is crazing fucking lame (overreaction), but you can download for freeeeeeeeee at DIS PLACE. Most of her stuff is free on her website, so check it out. She's seriously dope.

http://www.kflay.com/site/music

https://soundcloud.com/kflay

"My" Generation and The American Dream

There's a stereotype that accompanies "my" generation. It's that of a selfie-snapping, lazy chump who can't survive without their smart phone and is simply trying to "find themselves" amidst the flannel suit wearing yuppies. I can't argue with all of this. We are selfish in that put ourselves first. We're self-involved and self-aware and perhaps narcissistic. Some might say our world is getting smaller as our Facebook/Twitter feed, Netflix instant queue, and YouTube watch list keep growing, but with this constant connectedness, our exposure to others' thoughts, news stories, eye-opening documentaries, and so much more is unimaginable. It is true that our values and concerns have changed very much from the kids of even 10 years ago, but is that necessarily a bad thing? I think that we're not only more self-aware, but we're also more cognizant of this giant world with billions of people and religions and political injustice and boundless information. Our world is so much bigger than our parents' dinner table conversations and soccer practice, which is a definite benefit of the current technological state.

So, yes. We are self-involved. We have dreams and our parents said to us, "you can be anything you want to be, Charlie." (If your name happens to not be Charlie, just plug yours in. And I apologize for making you feel less special. You're still a unique snowflake, Ashley.) We were the kids who received participation awards. The days of "them's the breaks, kid" died before us and have been replaced with lawsuits over equal playing time. We rarely heard the blasphemous "no" word from others, but that doesn't hinder our ability to bestow it upon whomever deserves it in our eyes.

The final question must be asked: where is "my" generation, really? Well, we sure know what we want. Kind of. We know that we want happiness and fulfillment, though we know that these things aren't destinations. And the narcissist in us thinks we really can make a difference. We are aware of the bleakness, but still, we continue the trek. We fight for equality, we see the good in people, and we know that a 9-5 isn't the realization of our childhood dreams. We're willing to try new things and put ourselves out there, because hey, we're special. Our parents said so. And what's wrong with a generation of confident, connected, well-informed Americans on the brink of adulthood? It's simple. Revolution and "my generation" is separated by last part of the former phrase: well-informed. We're growing up in a country that our parents still refer to as "The Greatest Country in the World," even though we all saw what Will McAvoy (Jeff Daniels) did to this lofty claim in the first episode of The Newsroom. The "American Dream" is a thing of the past and my generation is willing to risk everything to change the status quo.

So, once my self-absorbed generation lifts the veil to reveal the truth underneath, all the passion and confidence we have in expressing ourselves will be redirected into changing this country and this world. The truth is out there and I know that once my generation finds it and grows impassioned by the promise of change, our minds will envelope the task and pour our narcissism into something worthwhile--our freedom.

I'VE GOT A NEW DOMAIN, BITCHES.

It's here, it's here, I'm queer! What. Hmmm. If only there was a delete button on this damn contraption. You see, I accidentally (out of pure and unadulterated excitement) typed the word "queer" when describing myself. This, as you might assume, was a mistake. I do apologize for the inappropriate nature that this entry immediately took on once that word was thrown out into the area in which I am typing. I just wish there was something I could do to take it back! But hey, as my mum used to say about Vietnam, "sometimes you do shit you regret. You might wanna sell your organs to take it back, but sweetie, you can't. At all." Anyway, I hope I've adequately atoned for this horrendous mishap.

What was I talking about before all this? OH YES. There's a new name up there. It's WEIRD KARATE because duh. Fun timez! There's a new domain in town and its name is cool cool cool like a living room dance party! Hey also, wanna watch a loser get her rap game on? Watch this.

Something New, Something Whatever

I'm going to post something different today. Are you ready? It's funny because "you" is probably just me in a few days. Anyway. I'm having a moment where I just feel like writing, man. My couch--no, I guess it's a "love seat"--where two bums would feel very uncomfortable sitting together. My bum is sinking sadly into the crease, pillows encapsulating the human (me), making me feel enclosed--a couch box. Excuse me, love seat.

I've been craving Fight Club for like a month. Well, I'm finally watching it. I have like 10 movies in my life that I need to rewatch every once in a while--every few months or so--to get my fix. Renew my purpose. Emancipate my mind. So yeah, that's what I'm doing. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. It's a new film with every rewatch. I try to wrap my mind around a character who so seamlessly befriends, admires, loathes, and finally relinquishes the need for a alter ego. Humans cope with life, with their incredible amounts of shit, in different ways. In unbelievable ways. In terrifying ways. Forming an extreme alter ego is one way. And although incredibly destructive, Tyler Durden shakes the comfort and certainty of an IKEA furnished, 9-5 office job, bullshit life. And dammit, I respect that.

"No fear, no distractions."

Fear is something that's been trickling with fervor into my everyday thoughts. As I stress about a wasted youth, I desperately search for answers to unanswerable questions, plummeting deeper into this quarter-life crisis. It's a real thing. Maybe. Or at least it's a swell label to hypothetically paste on this mess of emotional wreckage. Ooh, can you feel that drama? Dripping from every 23-year-old pore on my body. 

"Stop trying to control everything and just let go."